my heart..


I am amazed, truly amazed at the transformation of my heart.  I never knew just how deep a love could be, how strong, how fulfilling.  Never, never, never in a billion years would you have convinced me that going to church would have caused me to feel this way.  Of course, now that I have grown a bit, it isn’t the church that caused this, but the meaning of why I went to church.

I found God again.  Simple isn’t it?  Not really, not when you struggled so hard to run the other way.

I didn’t want to be held accountable for anything wrong I had done. WOW..did that hit me hard one day.  The realization of my actions, of not even knowing all the many ways I had gone against the One who loved me more than anything else, really took my breath away.

I was so very ashamed. I cried out to Him and asked Him to forgive me, I had no idea how much pain I must have caused just because I was lashing out from the pain I’d been in.  But, knowing all this, He with His extravagant love, picked me up, took me in His arms and allowed me to cry it all out.  When I had nothing left, He held me so close, I could sense the utter peace like I’d never had before.  The “peace that surpasses all understanding”.

I truly know the meaning of that peace.  There is none like it.  Being wrapped in your Father’s arms and feeling the safety from the storms of life is really a reality that most any of us can have if we only allow it to happen.  It’s called total surrender.  And once it’s done, there is a peace like none you have ever known.  But it may take a painful step in “giving up, releasing” people and things that have and are part of you or your past.  After awhile, certain things start to define you, and they need to be released.  If ever you want to be whole, this is necessary.

For me, after I surrendered to Him and found that undeniable peace within me, it was then I realized who had taken over my heart.  I used to think there was only so much room for people I loved in my life.  But once you allow God to reign within you, He takes up residence in your heart.

He totally claimed every nook and cranny and for that I am forever grateful.  I have such a new love for others now.  It’s not that I didn’t love before.  I always have had a soft spot for people.  As a nurse, you have to at least “like” people to work in that profession.  But now I can say, I love people.  All types.  God calls us to love.  The love I have in my heart for Him, well I can’t explain that kind of love.  I can’t even begin to think of words to describe it.  I just know it consumes me.  I want to bask in it forever.  There is great meaning to the words “lover of my soul”.  He is. The love is indescribable.  It’s like a tiny spark was in there and now has been replaced with this roaring fire within me.  I feel some days especially during worship that I will simply explode like a volcano with lava, like liquid love spilling out and flowing from me.  How do you contain a love like that?  I find myself looking forward to the time when I will be able to express this for an eternity to the One who gives me such joy and fills me with such uncontainable love.  I know He understands it.  I’m sure there are many who don’t, and that’s ok.

I have realized I am not here for the purpose of pleasing man, but for the purpose of fulfilling His plan for my life.   I am so thankful He showed me how to love beyond myself so I might share this on earth as it is in Heaven.